Things got to me too easily. I didn't know why but I started to understand my behavior and the whole process of how I thought to feel. Most of them are extreme insecurity.
A few years back, I had a thought that when there was something good happened, something bad would come right after very shortly. It was not so. It is just that my mood swings between the peaks too often and too extreme. I only made the connection of me being bi-polar during the past summer after chatting with one who is dealing with it as well. When I started to take it as a mental cold, I stopped blaming myself, others, fate, nor the wacky spirits. After reading more about it, knowing that many people have suffered from the same disorder, it was silly, but I did feel less stress.
The depressive disorder is just another thing which is part of my BP. After sharing with my bff in Taiwan, she defined my depression of "over-self-centered-stupidity". The world will not end even if I don't try to do anything. To carry and worry about useless burden is absolutely meaningless. Stop thinking about what and how others will react if you do anything or not. Even if you try to do so, it's only you who thinks people care. The fact is that most of things don't matter, especially, a musician.
She told me that what I should focus on is just myself, and I should start small. When the goals are small, they are easier to achieve, and I will feel satisfied more often. So, baby step for me from now on. I had been too extreme. When something didn't go as I wish, the only way I had was to quit, because if I quit, I didn't need to worry about it anymore. The attitude never solved any problems. It only made me switch into more different paths and stopped again when I met unsolvable issues. I am learning how to leave it and to live with it. Once I take myself as just an ordinary person, I stop pressuring myself to look at the obstacles as the end of the world, and the weight on my shoulder got much lighter all of a sudden.
That's it for now. TBC
