Emotional Attacks 1 -情緒起伏攻擊波 1-

It might have something to do with PMS or all that sort of estrogen cycle. This is the very first emotional attack I got since I came back to Taiwan. There were several big ones in the past. They were all related to relocating. The very first one was when Elaine and I moved out from the apt on W135ST, NY NY. The second time happened when I had to leave Pablo's apt for the year long contract in Binghamton. The third was when I left Apalachin and started to wonder around in Europe. And with no doubt, I'm having another one right now because it's the end of my sister's lease of this apartment. I've been part of the fraction since last Dec.

也許真與經前症候或雌激素循環相關狀況, 我現在正感受到一股自去年底回台以來最強烈的情緒攻擊波. 以前也發生過幾次, 似乎都跟遷居有關. 第一次是當我與伊蓮搬離紐約紐約135西街的公寓, 第二次發生是因為整年合約得搬去冰漢頓而搬離帕布羅的公寓, 第三次則是離開阿帕拉肯去歐洲流浪. 無庸置疑, 因為我妹的公寓租約到期, 情緒攻波又再次盤旋不去, 畢竟我也從去年十二月開始在這裡當分母好一陣子了.

It also might have something to do with post-performance depression. I usually felt relieved and relaxed after any performances, but the day after always started the emptiness. I never noticed my syndrome before I talked with a friend who'd suffered as an extreme case. Right after I performed or created anything, I had this anxiety of not being able to keep up with myself. Recognizing this makes me code better now. But still, I feel it.

也許跟表演後低潮有關, 表演後通常會感到放鬆, 但隔天空虛感開始繁衍. 在某位深受此擾的嚴重患者跟我分享前, 我不曉得這是病症之一. 在我剛完成表演或創作之後, 常感到焦慮, 擔心自己無法繼續保持下去. 能看出這個症狀對自我理解調適的確有幫助, 不過, 這還是無法阻擋情緒波的攻擊.